February 1, 2006 at 10:32pm
I stumbled upon an old email this morning where this friend of mine said: "you own your feelings, no one can else should or can influence them." That got me thinking. First it's total bullshit. Then I thought about a work conference a few weeks ago where a motivational (I use that term loosely) speaker talked to my group about a variety of things, with the theme being "Choose your Attitude." He seemed like a nice enough guy, fairly intelligent perhaps (actually he's genius - probably making 8-10K a pop for dishing out his bullshit), and he did say some things that the audience seemed interested in, and he took my mind off a doozy of a hangover that day.
Specifically, he made me think how powerless we are. This 'choose your attitude' theme simply cannot be applied in the real world. I.e., I cannot wake up at 7am tomorrow and convince myself that it feels good to get up that early, that there is a benefit, that it's going to be a great day, etc. Just like I can't have a death in the family and convince myself that it doesn't hurt to think about. My point is: external factors influence us on so many levels that we don't even realize. That said: I can choose things to a certain degree, but given how much external forces influence my life, I certainly cannot choose how I feel, my attitude, etc. Here is the most simple example I can think of; a breakup. People get dumped, it's a shitty feeling, period. We've all been there (we're probably all better off in the long run), and we know they all suck. Don't fool yourself - the reason you get dumped is YOU, "it's not you, it's me" is a scam I invented long ago. Point being: either way, it hurts, and you can't say, "ok, it's fine" and magically you are fine.
Let's look at Shawn Carter, AKA Jay Z. He has "99 problems but a bitch ain't one." Has anyone ever thought about why he doesn't have the problem of a 'bitch'? It's because he chose not to (this is different than choosing how he feels) let a 'bitch' be a problem (and if you listen closely, Jigga isn't using the phrase in the 'traditional' (i.e., Eazy-E) rap context)). Which lends credibility to my theory that other people have a profound influence on how we, as humans, truly feel down to the core of our very being. In this example, Jay wants all 'bitches' out of his life because they will cause him a problem. Wouldn't Jay be pro-'bitch' -- even if they caused him great distress-- if he could simply say to himself: "this bitch is no longer a problem." Instead, he chooses to be 'bitch'-free to avoid a problem.
I mean really, why do people date, marry, etc - there are myriad reasons, but one is to feel good. For example - I am single. I can't 'choose' to experience the feeling of intimacy that say, a marriage brings. I would have to get married to feel this. I don't own this feeling while single, but I can get a taste if I get married. Friendship is another simple example; if someone I respect says something mean-spirited, hateful, etc to me, it will make me feel bad. I can't just flip the 'feel good' switch and feel great all of the sudden. External Factors, bro, they are big, and have more influence than we like to think.
Back to Jay Z. He is without question a very intelligent guy, an extremely savvy businessman, etc. I've read everything I can about the guy, seen his interviews, etc, and he is compelling and interesting. He 'chooses' how to live his life and doesn't care what others think. I do not buy the latter for one second (I'll get to why later). Young H-O cares about doing right by his community (well done Jay), his friends, he wants to be filthy, stinking rich (again, good work), and he wants to have a relationship in private with massive-assed (yet gorgeous) girlfriend Beyonce Knowles (btw - her dad is like Earl Woods times 100).
But why the need to rap about it, Jigga-Man? If you listen to Jay's raps, he is (seemingly) open and honest. Reasons being (IMO) 1) it's cathartic 2) Fans can see through bullshit easily 3) if he were lying, he'd be exposed 4) The dude can just plain write a great song and is a great rapper 5) he makes tens of millions of dollars telling the world what he thinks and feels 6) most importantly, people want honesty, and it sells. Look at that asshole James Frey if you want proof (pre-Oprah debacle).
What I've taken away from my aforementioned friend with the 'you own your feelings' email, the little motivational guy (Mr. choose your attitude) is this: it's all bullshit. And Jay Z proves it.
Why would Jay choose to be private about Beyonce? Frankly, his personal relationship is no one's business, I get that. Why would Jay choose to wait years to talk about his absentee dad*, etc. He chose to keep these things private for reasons I obviously don't know, but my question is: why rap about countless other intimate details of your life, young H-O, rap's Grateful Dead?
The answer is simple. Jay Z wants people to hear his thoughts, in order to validate his feelings about whatever topic he chooses to discuss via his raps. That, my friends, is reinforcement via OTHER PEOPLE. He doesn't own his feelings until he sells 4M copies of the Black Album. The point is, Jigga is sitting on his ass, not choosing how he feels - until he expresses himself by making an album, opening a new bar (at the 40/40 Club, ESPN on the screen), and counting his dollars.
You are asking yourself; what the fuck are you talking about, and why are you writing about this crap? It's because I had a death in the family this week that I've discussed with very few, and I told a good friend that the reason I haven't discussed it, or seemed stressed, etc is because I 'compartmentalized' how I felt. God, that is such crap. In essence, what I was trying (in vain) to do was choose how I felt; ie., I chose to not let it outwardly affect me. What that led to was an ulcer and lots of stress. Had I chosen to discuss how I felt about this tragic incident, I might feel a lot better right this second. Point being: it took 3rd party influences
(eg, this blog post as an outlet) to make me feel better about the situation, and relieve the stomach ache.
I think I am similar to the Jigga-Man in many ways. Obviously there is a big gap in our incomes, but we both grew up in shitty circumstances, we both feel better when we speak our minds (eg, his albums, this blog, etc), we've both dated hot chicks (ok, this is slightly harder for me), and neither of us can really own our feelings. We can try to feel a certain way, but we are both profoundly influenced by others, and what they think of us.
I wish I could choose my attitude and own my feelings, and so does HOVA. I cannot believe people say that it's possible with a straight face. Take my attitude right this second; it's fine, I don't feel any major feelings, positive or negative, but it's not becuase I said: "ok, feel even keeled this morning." It's because of external stimuli; e.g, I watched a stellar live Interpol concert on Showtime, got a good breakfast delivered, etc. I chose all of those things as a means to an end (ie, feeling good), but I doubt I would feel good without such. And I certainly don't have the audacity to think I can choose to feel mellow, etc.
Think about this; 100s of millions of anti depressants are prescribed in this country every year. Why don't doctors just tell people to 'choose to not feel depressed.' I just realized that the motivational dude might be a scientologist. I better check my luggage for L. Ron Hubbard Propaganda.
I really wish I had a moral, or some words of wisdom, but since the above is one man's opinion (and believe me, I'm no expert), it's hard to come up with anything to take away from it. I don't have advice for people who feel depressed, or shitty, or want to wake up feeling great before work - but I do know that telling yourself how to feel is an exercise in futility. But, if it works for you, by all means, do it. If you recall, I just compared myself to Jay Z, so take my words for what they are worth.
